Over the last few weeks, I have lost faith. Trying to make my own way, to create something new and from the heart, is scary. It is scary to make things, and it is scary to put my heart and soul out there for the whole world to see. So I retreated. I have been searching job boards and websites, sending out resume after resume. I keep thinking, I have to have a job, I have to have work, I have to make money...
Hear all those have tos? Do you know what children do about have-tos? If you are my child, you whine loudly, flop on the floor, and wail, "Stop telling me what to doooooooooo!" And that, dear readers, is what I have been doing inside, with every resume, every application...
Well, not every one. There have been a few jobs that have really sounded fun, and I think I would enjoy doing that work.
The solution, I think, is in refusing to play small. I need to step up, step into the light, step up to the plate, and believe that I will hit it out of the park.
I have so much I want to share with you, so much I have gleaned from 36 years of living, 14 years of teaching, 4 1/2 years of parenting, 10 years of relationship...
I hold back from blogging, wondering if what I have to say is appropriate to this space, but then I remember that what makes me feel awesome to write, may be what makes someone feel awesome to read.
So, let's step into the light and make things happen. I want to do it. Fear or no, let's step in. I am trying to learn to yell less and love more, to say yes more often, and no with more integrity. I want to be fully myself in everything, my most beautiful and my most haggard.
Trust is essential to this. Trust is hard for me, not because I have been let down by those I've trusted, but because it means I have to let go a little bit of the control I try so hard to maintain. The funny thing is, that control is a complete illusion. I don't have it under control.
The word I chose for this year is "flow". It's been coming up a lot lately. Go with the flow, be in flow, cash flow...
Sara lives in Minnesota with her wife, their son, and a lot of cats and turtles. She coaches waldorf moms and other sparkly unicorns, helping them find wonder, ease, and contentment. Sara writes about parenting, storytelling, and about living a life with stories.