Squeezing it in around the edges

This morning, Boyo and I made a wire ball filled with bits of colored wool.  Lest you think I am the kind of mother who has lightweight silver wire and bags of colored wool batting just lying around the house, waiting to be put to use in some inspired craft or other, I will tell you that Boyo was given a subscription to Donni's gorgeous crafting boxes by his grandfather for Christmas.  Each season, a box full of glitter and butterflies and flowers arrives with four all-inclusive craft projects; this was the easiest one.  I was astonished at how much the little bag of wool bits expanded as we teased out bits to stuff into the wire ball we'd made.  We had to stuff and tuck the soft bits of fluff into the edges, but it all fit.  Then we pulled on outdoor clothes (Boyo put his over jammies), and went outside to hang it in the branches of the crabapple tree so the birds can tug out bits of soft wool to line their nests.

Friday's blog post struck a chord.  I have never had so much response to anything I've written.  Thank you so much.  Since then, of course, I've been obsessively checking my blog stats and pushing down the anxiety rising in me -- now what do I do?  I am fearful that I will never write anything that meaningful again, that I've peaked early, that it's all over.  How can I go on?

Weekends are busy here.  My partner works at our coffee shop in the mornings so that Boyo and I can ease into the day, so you would think it would be all Lazy-Saturday around here.  Some of it is.  There is time for lots of reading aloud.  This morning, I changed sheets, made these pancakes, built a fort, and made the aforementioned wool ball.  We took the dog for a walk around the neighborhood, ate lunch, and fought over where that lunch would be eaten.  Exciting, no?  Yesterday morning was much the same, only it had laundry in it, and I got to spend the afternoon with fellow alumni of my college, discussing Poe and Dostoyevsky and video games and mystery novels with my Russian professor; Faculty on the Road is a cool program, and I can't believe it's taken 12 years for me to attend a second one.

Tonight, it's back to my "day job" of tutoring.  I feel like I am trying to fill my life like that wool ball, squeezing things in around the edges.  Honestly, though, the more there is to put in, the better and more expansive I feel.  I can't stand always rushing around, but I also cannot stand too much unstructured time.  I need plans.  I need ground to stand on.  Once I have some framework, some wire, I can begin to fill in with all those gorgeous, bright bits of wool.  Without the frame, the wool seems contracted and lumpy, and I have no idea how to begin.  

I had never intended to be an at-home mother, but every summer since my son was born, it has gotten harder to go back to school, whereas I used to crave the structure and rhythm of school.  Now I have to make my own rhythm, create my own routines.  And it's hard.  It's also hard to write  this with my son yelling, "That's boring work! It's not fun for you! Stop writing and read to me!!" So, my publishing days are likely to be Thursdays and Fridays, when he is at school, and when I can sit quietly for a while and just settle in to writing.  That will be a piece of wire for my frame, something to let me collect my little bits of color, and perhaps you can take them home to your own nests to make them more cozy and warm. 

Thank you for reading.